Why Am I Still Single? | Unearthing the Treasures of Being Single
Part 8 of 9 - Diving Deeper into Disappointment
I just want to dive a little deeper into disappointment because I think it’s important. Hearing so many stories from singles around me, I have come to believe that one of the biggest struggles of singlehood is dealing with disappointment. I also believe disappointment is something the enemy uses against us and it is one of his favourite tactics in wreaking havoc and destruction in our lives.
You see, disappointment is devastating. More than that, disappointment changes your perspective. More than just changing your perspective, it warps your perspective and distorts it. The longer you sit in disappointment, the more you are in danger of seeing things in distorted ways. Disappointment has a way of rooting into the deep places of our hearts, snaring deep, deep roots that will affect and permeate the ways we see our entire lives and how we respond to God in the process.
This, my friend, needs to break. If you know that you have been caught up in the snares of disappointment (and oftentimes, it is not just one incidence of disappointment, it is a repeated pattern of hoping and being disappointed over and over again), you need to know that there is freedom and healing for you. It is possible to live differently.
Many who are single and who have found ourselves in a season of singleness for longer than we would like would probably at some point have met with disappointment. Maybe you met someone, and it didn’t work out. You try again, and it doesn’t work out again. Some of us are caught in an endless cycle of hoping a relationship will work out only to have it not work out. Others, we have just been waiting for a relationship to even start, and nowhere around you can you even see the possibility of a relationship happening for you. These are just two examples.
What is most likely the story for many of us singles is that we have hoped, waited, tried and tested the waters, found failure, railed at God in some seasons, begged and pleaded with Him in others, hoped some more, waited some more, and nothing has seemed to change. Along the way you may have met someone (or two) whom you really liked and truly thought this could be your person only to have it not work out. All these things, when compounded, can have a devastating effect on our hearts.
The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick and many of us, I believe, are walking through our singleness with hearts sick to its core and we see no way out. We have become accustomed to it, and we see singleness as precisely that - disappointment.
Beloved, that is not God’s dream or desire for you. That is not at all what He wants for you. For this reason, difficult as it may be, I want to take some time here to speak about disappointment and offer you some possible ways to start exploring healing with God.
The first thing I have learnt in dealing with disappointment is to get completely honest with God. This may sound scary but trust me, this isn’t the time for you to think that there are some things you cannot say to God. God desires complete honesty. A broken and a contrite heart He does not despise. After all, what is there in your heart that He does not already know? He just requires your humility to bring it to Him in confession and repentance in order for Him to start a healing work in you.
Where in your heart are you sick with disappointment? Where in your heart are you shattered from hope being deferred over and over again? Bring it to God, and if you are able, bring it to trusted friends. Keep your heart accountable in community and with those who love you, care for you, and importantly are able to cover you in prayer through this time.
If you find you have been angry with God, or disappointed with Him, this is your opportunity for confession and repentance. If you know you have held yourself away from Him, closing certain parts of your heart off to Him because it’s too difficult and painful to address, confess and repent. This is how you start the journey of healing and freedom. By confession and with repentance.
The next thing you need to do is spend time allowing yourself to both grieve and be nurtured. Often, disappointment is tangled up with grief. How is that so? Well, for many of us, we had hopes that never came to pass, we had dreams that we never saw come true, we have prayers we have not seen answered, and we are deeply weary and deeply disappointed. We have been deeply wounded with the ways in which life has not turned out the way we expected it to. These are things that can feel like a loss, and not just any loss, but a deep loss. And losses require grieving. There is no shame in that. If you never grieved your loss, you can never move past it.
In my own experience, I have come to learn that grief is a huge process of navigating and healing from disappointment. For some of us this looks like grieving the time we’ve lost, for others, it’s grieving the relationships that have let us down, for others still, it’s grieving what you never saw come to pass. It could be any other multitude of things, but if there is something you are grieving, allow it to come through. Don’t do this alone though. Tell someone. Seek help, even professional help if you need and through it all, pray both in your own time and with others.
Through all of this, allow yourself to be nurtured back to health. Spend time with God, read His Word, ask Him to speak into these areas. Find activities that truly bring you joy. Indulge in the healing of your heart, tend to its needs. Your heart is precious, and God treats it as such. It’s time you treat your heart as precious too. Mirror Your Father’s own heart for you. Think about your heart the way He thinks about you.
There is no timeline for healing. For some it may take 6 months, for others it may take 6 years. A friend of mine once told me, “you don’t get to decide the timeline for your healing, only God does, and He knows what He is doing.” He knows what He is doing, and He only has the best in mind for you. It’s time to trust Him with your whole heart once again.
Finally and slowly, as you heal and as you begin to gain strength, there may come a time when God will ask you to start pouring out to others. Every good thing He gives you is meant to be shared with others one day. As you heal, you may find God giving you new passions and a new heart for people. Follow where He leads. He may just be birthing new ministries out of you. The caveat though is to take time. There is no rush. God is not the sort who rushes things. Take things with Him one step at a time. His timing is perfect in all seasons.
At its core, disappointment births a skewed sense of perspective. We don’t understand God and all His ways, and when we think things will turn out one way but it doesn’t, we become disappointed.
We fail to understand that in His wisdom, He has given us something that is meant to be a blessing, but we see it as a burden and a curse. I know that for myself, that has been true of my singleness. God sees it fit to give me this season and time for being single. To Him it is good, and it is His gift to me. Yet I spent many, many years thinking it was a punishment, a burden, and a curse. Not understanding why He would do this to me. In all of it, I was failing to understand His true purposes for me in this season.
As I have healed and gone on “treasure hunts” with Jesus to discover the treasures He has hidden for me in my time of being single, I have come to see that every day, every moment, and every second He has kept me single, He has meant for good and for His glory. As I healed and gained new perspective about my season, I have come to see how rich this season is, how much it is building me, and how if I were to ever be married, I would be so grateful I had all this time first with Jesus as my sole focus. He has been worth every trial in the singleness and I am convinced that no matter what He has ordained for the rest of my life, whether single or married, He more than able to fill, fulfil and multiply joy, delight, and desires come to pass.
I pray that you find the same to be true in your own life as well.
Questions for reflection:
1. In what ways have you been disappointed?
2. How do you think disappointment has affected your perspective and the way you see things?
3. Is there a trusted friend, leader, or community you can process this disappointment with?
4. What activities bring you joy and feel truly life giving? Can you dedicate regular time for these things in your life?
Let's pray
Lord, thank you that You know our hearts inside out, and better than we know our own hearts. Thank you that You do not disregard the deep hurts and the deep disappointments in our lives. Thank you that You are always interested in our wholeness.
Today we ask that You would bring to light the disappointments of our hearts, the hurts that have been lurking in the shadows, and the pain that has gone unrecognised. Bring these things our of darkness and into light in order that the healing can start.
We pray that as we journey with You, teach us what healing truly means. Surround us with people and community that can help us process through these things. Grant us the blessing of having safe spaces and safe people to process life with. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.